Sports headlines of the future

UNITED STATES DISBANDS ALL TEAM SPORTS
Citing a clear inability to win any competitive event that includes more than one athlete to a side, the U.S. has ended all team sports in favor of individual activities. While some purists lament the loss to youth of the feeling of succeeding as a member of a team, others say working together is a bygone remnant that doesn't fit into America's current individualistic culture. Some holdouts remain - John Wooden, still alive at 187 years old thanks to clean living, constantly tells everyone at Santa Rosa Riverfront Group Home about the five fingers being weak separately, but strong as a fist. Everyone else there, still in their early 100s, wishes he would just stop telling them about Alcindor, whoever that is. Clearly, today's youth, and even some of the elderly, don't have the time for a relic like Wooden who hasn't won a championship in a century and a half.
Herewith, a brief rundown of America's current sports landscape. There are still team sports; there just aren't any teams.
The NBA is now a one-on-one league where LeBron James III (11 years old, 6 feet 10 inches tall, 312 pounds, 28-inch rims) is currently leading the standings. Heaven knows what he'll be like when he hits puberty.
The NFL is no longer even a league, but rather an ingeniously designed artificial intelligence engine that spits out random numbers that are followed religiously by fantasy football players. The game was discontinued 40 years ago for two reasons: one, because the players grew so large and strong that it was safer to play in rush hour traffic than take the field, and two, because America had lapsed into severe economic depression due to a lack of productivity that leading scholars connected directly to fantasy sports. However, the fantasy football players could not be bothered by the fact that the fantasy no longer had any connection to reality, and they still rabidly draft, trade and tell elaborate stories about their leagues.
In professional baseball, the game has been reduced to little more than a robotic pitcher (developed at MIT) throwing 147-mph knuckleballs in a batting cage. Each player gets a few swings and then steps out to be immediately drug tested. While not the best player, the most talked about is Julio Franco, who is playing in his 71st season in the big leagues. He spent half the year on the DL last season for a heart transplant but is back better than ever.
Golf has always been an individual sport, except for rare tournaments played in teams. The U.S. quit this barbaric "team" playing many years ago because of horrible results and because, at the behest of Commissioner Annie Rand, each man or woman deserved to play solely for himself or herself. After the shocking revelation 30 years ago - uncovered by journalist Geraldino (The Tiny Mustache) Rivera - that legendary golfer Tiger Woods was a cyborg from an alternate dimension, the helm as greatest human golfer has fallen to Pee Wie, grandson of Michelle Wie.
While the major sports have gone to one-on-one competition, less popular sports have retained the team concept and some individual sports have gone fully toward teams as a way to draw in fans who miss camaraderie, fellowship and men slapping each other lovingly on the hind quarters for making a good play.
Tennis: Now a team sport played only on grass. However, there are only two teams: World's population minus Roger Federer Jr. and Roger Federer Jr. This season, Federer Jr. is 37-8.
Soccer: The U.S. still sucks. It won't change. Deal with it.
Track and Field: Due to dwindling interest, a decade ago the world's track and field governing body chose to randomly select which athlete would compete in which event prior to each meet. While a world record has never been broken since the decision, it is always fun to watch the discus throwers pole vault.
Bass Fishing, Bowling, NASCAR, pool, poker: Little has changed with these sports. They are still regularly shown on the country's cable sports channels (such as ESPN Jr.) and they are still extremely boring.
Will teams ever return to U.S. soil? It's unclear. Other countries have stuck with the team concept, but Americans, always strongly self-reliant, have shown no plans to return to the antiquated notion of cooperation among five or nine or eleven. But then again, it is about who's number one.